So I gotta be honest, this summer has been a whirlwind and most of it has been all positive. I have been in such a great place that I almost felt like I had nothing I needed to say. And then I remembered that you never stop living your life and you can always reflect and write on your blog that 6 people read. So here I am.
With that being said, I stand by my statement that most of my summer has been all positive. However, a lot has happened. A lot of big changes were made, conversations had, and times where I’ve put myself first more than I ever have. Right now, I am dealing with the repercussions of that third thing I did this summer.
I have been working so hard on myself for exactly a year now. Almost exact to the day. Something snapped in me last September that made me kick it into high gear and get back to who I always knew myself to be. Time passed, and I grew. I grew so much more than I thought I would. I have been working so hard on my physique, and it’s been something I’ve always wanted to do. I am a ways away from where I’ve always dreamt of being, but I am discovering new depths to fitness that I never knew existed. It has been incredible to feel so strong, both physically and mentally. I have found, or re-discovered (thanks to The Rona my fitness was put on a cute little pause) a huge passion for fitness. Its more than just your body and how you look. It is something that you have complete control over. Hitting new limits, testing yourself, and beating goals is such an incredible feeling. If you are in a strange place in your life, or going through something that is emotionally and mentally taxing, I really suggest putting yourself first and taking control with fitness.
Anyways this isn’t a fitness blog but I am very proud of myself and I wanted to share :)
Aside from using fitness to help me learn to put myself first, I have also been reflecting on friendships. There’s a few TikToks floating around about how people go on these self-care journeys and when they do that, it gets lonely. I have recently discovered that there is some form of a truth to that. Let me explain. I have talked about how blessed I am in terms of friends and family on this blog so many times and I will say that again now. I am so lucky to have the friends and the family I do. Just today I was telling a new friend how lucky I am that I have all these different and unique but incredible friend groups all from different parts of my life. And that still stands. However, the “lonely” part of what I mentioned above, happens when you realize that some people in your life do not prioritize you the way you prioritize them. Now because I am in a place where I am trying to make this whole “putting myself first” thing a habit, I started to distance myself. That’s where it gets lonely. Then you start overthinking. Is it me? Like that stupid TikTok says, “is it ME? Am I the drama?????” I have thought this over through and through. Upon doing that, I have reflected on conversations, situations, and moments where I felt let down, betrayed, and hurt by friends. And then I come to realize that no, it is not me. I am not the drama. I have feelings and they were hurt. And when feelings are hurt over and over and it becomes a pattern, there’s only so much you can do but walk away.
Walking away is hard. Putting space and distance between people you thought you’d do anything for, is hard. And it gets even harder when you realize that its not just a one person, it’s a few people. Then it becomes “holy shit....” and then you think back on years and years of friendship where you were not put first, or where your feelings were thrown to the wayside. Then your patience grows thin. And then you don’t react anymore, you just sit back and slowly stop showing up.
This is where the loneliness sets in.
I truly don’t want to toot my own horn here, but I know I am a good friend. Doing something for someone I care about, regardless of how big the gesture or favor is, I do it without any second thought. I write paragraphs to friends in need because I have a lot to say but also because I give a shit. Putting myself second when someone else needs to be put first, is not hard for me to do. Now on the other end of that, I am absolutely not a perfect friend and I’ve made mistakes. I’ve been hot headed and reactionary. I’ve most definitely hurt friends as well. But again, when that “good friend” or that “drop anything for you” attitude isn’t reciprocated time after time, I can no longer put in the same effort I did before. I can no longer let things go as easily that really hurt or bothered me. I can no longer not stand up for myself during arguments or disagreements.
It’s been difficult for me to see myself being so stern recently, but I have never felt more peaceful, and I have never been more proud of myself.
This really all stems from a major breakup I had and how I tried to completely change myself for someone that would never love me the way I deserve. It stems from me thinking for months and months that pieces of me I have always loved, weren’t good enough for someone. It stems from me realizing that no matter how hard I tried, and no matter how unhealthy I became (mentally, emotionally, and physically), I will never be able to change myself for anyone, and I will never be able to take the same abuse I did before, in any capacity.
Now that same attitude is reflected in my friendships. I can’t keep giving and giving and giving my friendship, time, and passion for little to nothing back. Friendships work both ways. Being the only one who puts in effort - in any relationship - only tilts the scale towards the other persons side, giving them all you have. But I need some on my side too. My scale has to be level with your scale; or this just won’t work anymore.
To reiterate, I am not a perfect human being. I can always do better. We can all always do better. But the first step to that is humbling yourself and realizing you need to do better.
I don’t want this to come across as bitchy. I am just trying to put myself first in ways that I never have before. I am not changing who I am nor are my morals or values changing. I am just making slight adjustments in my life that I’ve needed to make for a long time now. I want to be better for me. I put myself second for so long and that’s over.
Take control of your life, and try to do something for yourself every day that makes you and you alone, happy. Whether that’s going to the gym, spending money you don’t have, getting an iced coffee, or getting your nails done (PSA to all men reading this, you can also get pedicures God knows you all probably need them), do one thing that is for you and you only.
Personally, I do all of the above and I also like to order extra feta cheese on my Greek salads. That always makes me happy.