Change.

So its been QUITE a while. My bad. But really, apologies. To all 7 of you that read this. My life the past 6 months has been a roller coaster and I am just starting to get to a point where I feel like me again.

I wrote a blog post in May. It was intense, and very personal. It had to do with anxiety, and the all-consuming power it has. I didn’t post that blog because I was afraid to. I shared it with a handful of people, some of which said that I should put it on my site because it would only allow people, and friends of mine that are going through similar things, to feel as though they are not alone; because they aren’t, and weren’t. However, I debated back and forth and ultimately decided to keep it to myself. Sometimes I write to get things off my chest and keep it to myself or to those in my close trusted circle. This was one of them.

My anxiety has gotten a lot better. It’s still here, it comes and goes in waves, and for various reasons. But overall it has really started to fade away.

I do want those out there reading this to know that anxiety is something that every single human being will face at one point or another in their life. Some will feel it just for a second, some will be completely lost and forget who they are when it hits. Some are a mixture of both. But you are not alone.

I like to think of myself as a pretty happy person, but the past 6 months I feel like that side of me has faded in some way. But no need to worry people, she’s coming back. She’s slowly but surely been making her way back to the surface, and I can feel how close she is to being back. It's happening. IT'S HAPPENING.

But for real. I have made major life decisions recently and those decisions have been based around my new found need and desire to focus on me. Overall, I feel as though I have spent a lot of time in my life trying to make others happy. I am 100% a people pleaser. I was that girl in class that became best friends with the teacher. I was the girl who would stay up on the phone for hours and get little to 0 sleep because a friend needed me. And these examples are all fine. They’re cute, and they make someone a good person. But as I grew, I started to realize how much of myself is really rooted in the thought that I have to make everyone around me happy. Granted, I have absolutely had my selfish moments. In college my roommates and I used to argue over how we would go back and forth between our problems, but somehow I would end up focusing the conversation on my issues the most. Of course, I never realized I did this, and I didn’t mean it intentionally or maliciously. But I was called out by my best friends for it, I learned, and I changed. However aside from moments like these, I care too much about what others think about me as a person, how I look, and what I say. The past 6 months have been the furthest from easy. That side of me that I feel like faded away, caused me to neglect friendships, burden myself even more, and become confused in my life. I will never be able to change or take back those difficult months and the mistakes I have made, but what I can do is be better, and I will. The future is clear and bright, and I intend on making my wrongs into rights, being the best, healthiest, kindest version of me, and putting myself first in a way that still lets me be the caring and loving person I am.

These ups and downs have ultimately led me to where I am in my life right now; focusing on me. You should always be your top priority. Of course, you have family, friends, and significant others that are other priorities of yours too. I mean really, life without those people and making time for them would be a boring and lonely life. But you should always be focusing on what you need first. Maybe it’s different when you have children. My mother would certainly chime in right here and yell at me and say something like “oh give me a break Alexandra, I have 0 time to make myself a priority when I have you and your brother.” But there’s times where saying things like that, and pushing your needs to the side regardless of the person or reason why, only hurts you.

I made a decision for myself to move. I didn’t want to be in New York City anymore. I missed being independent and living on my own, and I felt like I’ve been on a stagnant path of little personal growth for the past year. Now that doesn’t mean that I haven’t been happy or I haven’t learned so much, or that I regret things. That is not the case. At all. It just means that wanted to I take a risk, put myself and what I wanted and what I felt I needed first, and just rip the band-aid off. If you told me a year ago today that I would be where I am in my life right now, I would have laughed in your face and walked away.

A large part of my journey within the past year has been because of love. Something that since I was a little girl, have dreamed of and wanted and waited for. I never thought I’d get it. I thought that I was maybe doing something wrong, or that I wasn’t skinny enough, or that I was too loud. But that wasn’t the case. The case is that I was single for 7 years because I needed to learn about myself first. I needed to go through everything I went through to be the person I am now, that is loved and loves unconditionally. And that is okay. My time came around after what seemed like eternity, but everything happens for a reason.

For anyone that knows me, you know how major this is for me. Finally having that person that makes the bad days easier, finally having that person that will stand by your side through anything difficult that may come your way, finally having that person that you can just live life with, and enjoy the little things. Like watch every episode of a TV series together, make Sunday night dinners, mall trips, car rides where all you do is blast your favorite artist and make stupid faces to each while you sing (or rap) along, and so much more. I never felt whole, really. It’s like there was a piece of me, not a “missing” piece per say, but a piece of me that was somewhere in someone else. And after years and years of waiting to finally find that piece that would complete me, I found it. I can tell you the exact moment that I knew I found that piece, in this incredibly special person. But I won’t, because its a very personal moment that I hold close to my heart, but I will l tell you that everything changed in that moment for me. I blacked out completely and that was it. I knew that was it.

I never thought I’d ever be able to have that feeling. The more time went on the less hope I had that I would find that person. But I did. And now I am adjusting. I am adjusting to love, to a new home, to a new job, to a new life that I built for myself because I wanted to, and needed to. And I am proud of that. I am proud of myself for taking a literal JUMP, not a leap, a freaking jump, like one of those jumps that Olympic pole vaulters take, that kind of jump. I made this decision on my own. Of course, I talked to loved ones, friends and family about it. But I knew I made up my mind pretty early on in my whole “moving” process, and nothing was going to sway me away from it.

I am adjusting. Like I just said. I am realizing how much more I have to learn about life and the things it brings. But that’s the beauty of it, isn’t it? You never know what you’re going to learn about and when. You never know what your feelings or opinions or viewpoints are going to be in the future. But you should welcome them. And do so gently and with open arms. Welcome these new thoughts and new self-realizations or epiphanies. Welcome change, embrace it, and thrive after it.

I think that’s what I did. I welcomed change. And I also think that this past year has been the most welcoming of change I have ever been in my life. The entire first year after I graduated from Penn State, I hated change. I hated the fact that I had to change my life from what it was for 4 consecutive years. Because I became comfortable in that life, and with my best friends around me every day to laugh at stupid shit. I had issues with change for a while after graduation. But around this time last year I picked myself up and started to embrace it. And now here I am; in Washington, D.C., with a job I love, with the person who makes me complete, and with old and new friends by my side to live it all with me. All because of a little faith, and change. And I am the luckiest damn girl in the world because of those things.

I wrote a blog post a few months ago called “Social Media Ruins Lives.” You can read it here if you want.

I talked about how damaging social media is and can be to someone’s self esteem, character, and personality. I have gone through the Facebook deactivation phases. I’ve gone to Greek camps where we don’t have access to our phones. I’ve done a cleanse for a few days. But right now, with all my adjusting and personal changes that I want to make, social media isn’t going to help. Checking Instagram isn’t going to assist me in centering myself and refocusing and finding who I truly am and aspire to be. Sending Snapchat’s won’t prove to anyone how I’m bettering myself. I don’t need these things right now because they will not help me in any way to make the changes I want to make in my life... The exact changes that drove me to move to Washington D.C. and start fresh, and discover myself. So I’m saying goodbye to social media. I’m not sure when I’ll be back. I’m not sure if I’ll be back. But I am sure of how much I want this new life of mine to be the happiest, healthiest, best life I will ever live. If you want to send me funny things, screenshot or screen record and text them to me. If you want to send me a Snapchat, send me a text instead. Because that’s what I will be doing. Connecting more with myself and with the people around me. And I don’t need social media to do that.

I’ll check in and update my readers right here on my blog. Most of you know that I write a new post because I blast it on social media. But I won’t be able to do that anymore. So instead you can subscribe to my blog, and you’ll get a notification when I make a post. No spam, no random, stupid, or annoying emails. Just one when I write a new post.

No this isn’t a scam to get subscribers. I don’t even care about that. I just love to write and share some thoughts with people in hopes of creating and instilling happiness, faith, and courage to be yourself and live your best life. That’s why I have this blog.

I’m more excited for my future right now than I have ever been. There is so much ahead of me, and so many opportunities to grow and learn, and be happy. And the best part is, there are SO many amazing restaurants here and you bet your ass I’m ordering extra feta cheese on my Greek salads, whether I get them in New York, or D.C. So really, not much has changed. Just everything.