The Pursuit of Happiness

Recently I have been feeling very lost in my life. Loved ones I’ve talked to and spoken to about this feeling I have, all told me that it’s normal to feel this way right now. I mean, I’m young, I’m not entirely sure of what I want to do with my career, and my funds are limited. Of course, those things can stress you out. But when so many people around you have a healthy work-life balance, travel when they want to and can, and are enjoying their careers more than you, it makes you question everything you’re doing, or not doing. 

There’s so much I want to do, and try, and learn. I actually used to find myself inspired, and I’d walk into work each morning ready to attack the day and get things done. I had this feeling almost every day when I started to work, post-graduation. However, recently I have found that inspiration to be fleeting, and now basically non-existent. Just how my loved ones told me that the “lost” feeling I have is normal, they have also told me that having a job you love is crucial. I’ve always believed that, but now I’m being faced to rethink my current path and look at other possibilities because of my unhappiness. 

Towards the latter half of this past summer, I had the risky idea to quit my job, book a flight to Greece, live with my family in Athens for a month or two, and then travel a bit more until I decide to come home to New York. If I had more money saved I would have absolutely done that, and just been like ‘Welp, see ya when I see ya New York!’ However, my friends advised me against that plan as well. 

I chose to stay here and face this problem I’ve been having head on. “This problem” being my unhappiness in my job and work place. Those of you that I am close with know why I am unhappy and the many reasons that are causing my unhappiness. Without going into too much detail, I’ll just say that I work so much, have long hours in NYC, I live for the weekends, and my workplace environment isn’t the healthiest. 

This isn’t supposed to be about me complaining about my job. It’s about realizing that as an intelligent, motivated, mature, and responsible young adult, having a job that helps you grow, teaches you new skills, challenges you, compensates you fairly, and inspires you to follow your long-term career goals is SO important. 

I don’t have that in my life right now. Most people in my life know that being in the music industry was always my dream. Putting on major shows, networking with important managers, agents, and artists, and being on top bringing the joy of music to as many people as I can, was my goal since I was little. I used to want to be a famous singer but my singing is comparable to that of a dying NYC subway rat so I settled for planning shows instead of playing them. 

I worked so hard in college to get to this goal. I participated in clubs and organizations that not only had to do with music and the entertainment industry, but that also fed my soul and made me feel like I had a purpose, like I was alive… 

I don’t have that in my life right now. 

I graduated and got an internship in the music industry. I loved it. I met incredible people, went to a major show in Nashville, and felt like I really was on top. I pushed myself, impressed my bosses, and thus was hired into the company full-time. I was so proud, and so happy. 

Things change, people change, jobs change. I get that. I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, change is definitely good for the soul. But change that affects you in a negative way, and makes you feel as though you’re stuck in this dark space, too afraid to leave it because you thought that this was your dream, that kind of change isn’t healthy.

This was my DREAM. Being in the music industry, working towards bigger goals, this is what I’ve always wanted. But finally having a job here and finally being where I always wanted to be, and then realizing that where I currently am is toxic, is absolutely heartbreaking. 

I’ve been heartbroken and grieving for the past 4 months. Grieving my dreams and trying to push myself to move on and find a healthier environment for me to grow in professionally. It’s so difficult. I have all these friends and connections in the industry, and everyone says they’ll help you and that they understand your situation but when the time comes and you’re looking for new opportunities elsewhere, heads turn and you feel lost and stuck without guidance or support. 

A good friend of mine that has never let me down and has always been there to offer advice, kindness, and support, shared a quote with me that one of her old bosses in the music industry told her. “Sometimes a lateral move is necessary to move upward in the long run.” So right now, I have to move to a different industry, a different career path, in order to create a healthier and happier life for myself. I won’t stop working hard, I won’t stop being that intelligent, motivated, mature, and responsible young adult that I am and always have been. My music industry dreams will come to fruition one day, because that is what I ultimately want. 

It took me months to have the courage to do this. And when I say months, I’m really not exaggerating. The fear I’ve had of leaving the music industry, when that is exactly what I’ve wanted my whole life, has been absolutely crippling and terrifying. And living your life this way every single day is not only exhausting, but its leads you to a dark place filled with major anxiety and fear of the future. What if I can’t get a job in the music industry after I leave it? What if something never comes through for me? What if my dream will never come true? What if I should stick this out a bit longer, be unhappy and try to just push through it? 

It’s just not worth it. Happiness, and mental health and clarity are not worth giving up. For anything. 

Music will never not be one of the most important parts of my life. I will come back to it eventually. Stronger, and better than ever. Things will work out. “It’ll be great,” as a major role model in my life loves to say. 

I still have moves to make and things to get through in order to finally be free of these chains holding me down. But I’ll get through it, as I get through everything life throws at me. 

I think this is the proudest I have ever been of myself. And I don’t mean that in a cocky way. Like I said, it’s taken me a very long time to get to the point where I decided that enough is enough and I deserve better. I deserve happiness, growth, and inspiration. 

I will have that in my life now. 

Hey fashion industry, (except for all the models who probably don't consume dairy), I hope you like feta cheese. Because I’m coming.